The clouds are starting to clear, good things ahead?

Wow, what to say. Last night was bad.....By the end of the day (after my very stressful job) I have had nothing left to give....I made dinner, put the baby to bed (after actually having to wake her up, so hubby and I could actually spend 15 minutes with her) and just sat on the couch, almost in tears as I looked around at the incredibly large amount of house work that needed to be done. Including things like dishes, clean laundry to be folded, general clean up/organization, mail to be sorted, bills to be paid, garbage to be gotten ready to go out, baby stuff to organize. I was breaking down, as my hubby tried to interact and make conversation with me, I couldn't even talk to him, I was so emotionally and mentally spent! I was frankly a complete bit*h to him! And he wasn't even doing anything to deserve it. I went to bed, he stayed up and we didn't speak until we started our morning routine of texting each other from work....

I won't get into details, but my job has become so stressful, so many things on my plate, so many unrealistic expectations, many details that no one can really understand without an explanation, that is well, frankly to damn long to even try and go into....yes I know we all have stress at our jobs, but this is more than anyone should have to deal with, especially when you don't enjoy your job and your dream is to be at home with your baby. Back to texting...

So I start with my text stating:
Me: I really hope you can find something (being a different job), I am on the verge of breaking down here. I cant take it any more, I am holding on with a string.
Hubby: I was just thinking that.
Hubby: Family is first and right now its third.
Me: I totally agree. This is not working any more the way it is. I am so stressed out and exhausted, and its ruining things for us and baby.
Hubby: Me to I think we need to make a couple of clear choices about our respective jobs and our lives with them.
Me: You have no idea how much I have wanted to hear those words come from you!

He then proceeded to call me at work, he talked about last night and how he feels like he is loosing me and doesn't even know who I am anymore. He is afraid if we go on like this any longer that its going to end in our relationship falling apart and eventually divorce. I tell him I feel the same way, and I was so desperate to seek relief of everything that last night I was seriously contemplating leaving so I could just get away, and that made me feel like eve a bigger failure then I already feel. That made him sad, and he said leave your job and that stress behind before you leave me and baby. I agreed and apologized for even having those thoughts.

He wanted me to walk out today, he said he was handing me the scissors and I just had to make the cut, and we would deal with whatever consequences followed. I told him he should know me better and that I could never just walk out, I am not a quitter. He said well were on a sinking ship, we either stay and die or jump and possibly die but possibly live. He said something has to change, you can't work full time anymore. He knows how much my heart is breaking everyday when I leave Gwendolyn, and that I have far to many household responsibilities to focus on it all and try and still have something left for 'us'. I said well I can't leave cause I carry the insurance, as my companies benefits are about 1000x better than his, were talking $110 a month for all three of us compared to $380 month for all three of us on his! Big difference! And it isn't just about me any more our life in the now and the future now includes this third little life.

We talked some more about options ec...about me finding something were I could bring the babes with, a nanny job, daycare at our home, or something just much more PT. But we both know before that can happen he needs to find a new job. His job now currently has him working 60-70 hours a week, every week, for the last 2 months. We never see each other and when we do, I can't even find the energy to give him anything of myself. So the plan was to focus on finding him something that a) pays better b) has better hours and finally c) has GOOD insurance coverage. Conversation ended with us talking about it later....

Well, needless to say I was feeling HIGHLY emotional after this conversation and found my self just breaking down and crying right there, at my desk. No biggie I can grab some tissue and move on, oh no! Right then my boss just happens to come see me, obviously she sees something is wrong. Now what do I do? Well I decided to "jump ship" and be TOTALLY honest with her. I pretty much told her everything, and that if something didn't change I would either need to leave said company all together or go to my old/previous position there, which has less demands. We talked for awhile and she asked if cutting back my hours would make a difference...I thought about it, and yeah it probably would! More time w/ baby, more time for house work, less hours there=less time to dwell on stresses of job, more of me to give to my marriage. So she said she would talk to her boss for approval. Well she came back and said that is fine, they both agreed they would much rather have me there for less hours then loose me all together cause I am a huge asset to the department and frankly they kinda like me :) I have a great boss, its nice I can be so honest and I think she feels the same way, she isn't afraid to say that her job sucks.

So its official next week I am down to 32 1/2 hrs a week, M-F, 8:30-3pm. *sigh* I think is going to be really good. I am little worried about the extra money we will be loosing each pay check, but Dakota is 100% supportive of my decision and said not to worry about it, it will work out, he will make sure it does, so lets hope it does, I guess that means budgeting more, cutting back on extras, eliminating a few bills (going to just basic cable), whatever it takes. But honestly my sanity and keeping my family together is allot more important than a few hundred dollars a month. This is the temporary/immediate fix I was looking for, and at least for now it should help. Once hubby finds something new, we can reevaluate the situation and decide whats best for the future. So now I just have my fingers crossed this decision doesn't back fire, and Dakota is able to find something new and better soon!

In the end we will make it work, we love each other, we love our baby, we love our life as a family, and nothing will change that! That is the one definite thing in our life. So here is to a hope full future, filled with laughter, love, hope and togetherness.

Story Time!

Babes and I received a "New Baby Visit" from the local ECFE (Early Childhood and Family Education) program affiliate called HUG (Helping Us Grow) last Friday. Any baby born in Hennepin county gets a mailing about this program. Minnesota is luckily one of the very few states that has funding of E-12 (Early Childhood to 12th grade) compared to just K-12. So the baby and I are signed up with classes and a Mommy Club and also a monthly story time and dinner program, to meet other families with babies. Tonight was our first Story Time and Dinner and it was a blast. An incredibly diverse group of people and so many CUTE babies.

Gwendolyn was the littliest one, the next oldest was 5 months, and Gwendolyn and her (Isabella) were very interested in each other and had a little chat, it was great to see her already interacting with other babies. Isabella took Gwen's socks of a few times which was totally funny and cute. There were only 3 girls and all the rest were boys. The average age was 7 months and then a 10 month old and one 11 month old. It was so cute to see the babies at the "playing with toys stage", Gwen isn't quite there yet, but I am sure she will be soon, she engages really well with books, toys ec..she just can't really hold onto them all herself quite yet. She is so wanting to sit up and I have gone back and forth about getting her one of these and Isabella had one and I definitely want one now and I really think Gwendolyn would love it, so hopefully we can get it soon, if the money falls into the right place.

I was really impressed with how engaged Gwendolyn was with the story time teacher, especially for her age. Not sure we will be able to go to the June one cause it is booked so were on the waiting list :( Hopefully something opens up, but were signed up for the August one for sure, so I am looking forward to that. We also registered for Mommy, Daddy and Baby classes starting in September, and I think it will be a total blast! Dakota thinks its so funny she is already going to "school", but I think its great, you can't start education and learning to early in my opinion. Oh we also get a free book donated from Barnes and Noble, we picked "Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do you See?", the story time teacher said rhyming books are great for her age level, it grabs there attention. And the food was really yummy! So double plus there. All and all a great experience and I look forward to getting involved and doing lots more with ECFE and HUG in the future!

Whats been going on....

Well not to heck of allot I have to say! Which is sometimes a good thing. Hubby is still looking for something new in the world of Jobs, he is being picky, cause it wouldn't make much since to go from crappy employer to crappy employer, something will come along, when the time is right and is meant to be.

My Shmunchkin is already 3 months, it GOES by SO fast, it just blows my mind! She is such a happy baby, I seriously just LOVE watching all her changes and new things she discovers and learns.

There are SO many people pregnant right now, between my work, family, friends, Internet world ec. Its great! But my heart breaks for the friends I have who still haven't gotten the pregnancies they deserve, I think about them everyday and just hope that they will SOON be blessed....

I am really excited for the weekend of June 14th, were going to see my grandma and grandpa in Fargo, and it will be the first time they have met there great-granddaughter, and I am SO SO excited. Unfortunately my other grandma (dad's mom) passed away in December 2007 while I was pregnant and never got to meet Gwendolyn, still to do this day breaks my heart, so I am hoping for some closure and repair during this upcoming weekend.

I am exhausted and little one has her first real cold (Got it from Daddy) and I feel so bad for her, and I feel even worse cause I kept her out to long today I think. It was my mother in laws big moving day, so I was over there for a long time today doing my best to help out and little one did take a 2 hour nap and a couple more 20 minute naps, but I think she got over stimulated, so tomorrow we are just hanging out at home w/ Daddy and having a family day, we ALL deserve that's for sure, hubby is STILL over there moving stuff and doesn't expect to be home until after midnight :(

Well I think that is all for now, so I will use you with some precious chunky monkey pics (courtesy of Trish):

Baby G and Grammy

After a good meal of Mommy's Milk

What another picture!?!

Ok I suppose I will give you a smile....

And now were serious....

Seriously the cutest baby ever, I am so not biased!

Rant......

I just need to rant, so many many things on my mind right now. I know with time it will all pass *I hope*

First off the biggest thing is the way my hubby is being treated at work, he is amazingly dedicated worker, and is not getting the treatment he deserves. They are playing head games with him or something. One day there telling him he is on the "list" for layoffs and is number 6 from the top, then the next day he is 4th from the bottom and is getting nothing but praise. He hasn't seen our daughter all week, tonight was the FIRST night since Sunday he has seen her. He has been working 12-14 hour days, no joke. And I won't even get into the pay crap, shady stuff going on, pretty sure it isn't legal....what does one do, just move on, or try and get legal about it? And they tell him the most hypocritical stuff, "don't talk to customers it takes up to much time" but "if you don't talk to customers your fired"......hmmmm really logical eh'? He is such a great person and deserves so much better, its all meant to be, but I hope something else comes along for him. I am tired of being a "single mom".

Secondly its like one bill after the other from the hospital, next time around seriously not getting any drugs, especially an epidural which we had to pay $900 of it, and that is after the insurance company paid over $4,000, and I only used for a total of maybe at the most an hour, worthless! Thankfully I have us on a payment plan to hopefully get it all paid off by July 31st. Maybe if we could actually spend our "stimulus check" on something other than paying it back in taxes, then I wouldn't be so worried. But no after we had over $9,000 taken out of our paychecks in taxes over the course of 2007, we then get our taxes prepared and find out we OWE money! Get this EXACTLY to the penny $1,200! So all of our "stimulus check" is going back to the state of MN and the Federal Government, hopefully it stimulates the greedy bastards in the Whitehouse, I know it sure as hell isn't stimulating me! OH AND there is a SCREW in my tire, so now we need new tires, which if we still want to go visit my Grandparents in Fargo in June we will have to either get fixed somehow or pull money out of our butts to get a new tire. The fun never ends.

Thirdly, I so wish I could be at home with my baby, I feel like I am missing SO MUCH! I figured it out and I am missing 42 1/2 hours of my babies life a week, and I get 38 hours a week to be with her while she is awake, I am missing over half of her life a week. Seriously depressing. Yet there is people out there having one baby after the other living off of the government (no wonder we pay over $10,000 a year to them) and have the opportunity to raise them and do nothing with that chance. I would give anything to stay at home w/ my baby and raise her with all the love I have to give!

Sorry this is a pitiful depressing post, but at the moment I feel pitiful and depressed, life is at a low and I just have to deal, doesn't make it any easier though, the one thing that puts a smile on my face is my baby girl, and I am close to duct taping her to my chest so I don't spend a second away from her, my heart misses her and I fear I am being replaced, I hope at the end of the day she knows I am her Mommy and I love her beyond anything she will probably ever understand. Everything I do, I do for you baby girl.

Out of the Mouth of Babes

A recent conversation between me and my Nephew Donovan:

Nephew: Was baby Gwen in your tummy?

Me: Yep

Nephew: Did she come out of your butt?

Me: No, she came out of my vagina.

Nephew: Did that hurt?

Me: Yes *chuckle*

Nephew: Well, hmmm, well, well, I just think her head was to big for your bagina (Yes that's vagina pronounced with a B) that's why it hurt.

Me: *LMAO* Your very intuitive Donovan.

Its Been Awhile and were good....

Haven't updated in awhile, thats life with a baby! Baby Gwen had her 2 month appointment on Monday and she up to 10 lbs 7.2 oz (so close to doubling her birth wieght) and 21 1/2 in. Her Pedi is SUPER happy with her growth, she went from being off the chart tiny to in the 45th-60th percentile for everything! I guess Mama's milk is doing her good :) She also had her first set of shots, HARDEST THING TO WATCH EVER, EVER! But she was fine by that night and not so fussy/sad.

I started back work on Thursday, I cried ALL day Wednesday, so I didn't shed a single tear on Thursday, plus work got me a big gorgeous bouquet of flowers, with pink tulips, carnations, tiger lillies and lots of other pink flowers (my favorate color by the way) so that was super nice, and we had a bagel breakfast and pizza lunch, nice! The only thing I didn't get was dinner ;) Today was alot harder then yesterday, which was werid, I cried on the way to work, oh well. And of course there was horrible traffic on the way home (apprentely its REALLY hard to drive in the RAIN) and all I wanted to do was seem by baby! Oh well it only took an extra ten minutes thanks to shortcuts. And this weekend I plan on snuggling my chunky monkey as much as I can! Well except for a few hours on Sunday were I will be bagging groceries to help raise money for the Susan G. Komen Foundation to help find a cure for Breast Cancer, and on Mothers Day I will be participating in the walk at the Mall of America.

Thats all she wrote.....