Raising a Pumpkin: life

Wow, what to say. Last night was bad.....By the end of the day (after my very stressful job) I have had nothing left to give....I made dinner, put the baby to bed (after actually having to wake her up, so hubby and I could actually spend 15 minutes with her) and just sat on the couch, almost in tears as I looked around at the incredibly large amount of house work that needed to be done. Including things like dishes, clean laundry to be folded, general clean up/organization, mail to be sorted, bills to be paid, garbage to be gotten ready to go out, baby stuff to organize. I was breaking down, as my hubby tried to interact and make conversation with me, I couldn't even talk to him, I was so emotionally and mentally spent! I was frankly a complete bit*h to him! And he wasn't even doing anything to deserve it. I went to bed, he stayed up and we didn't speak until we started our morning routine of texting each other from work....

I won't get into details, but my job has become so stressful, so many things on my plate, so many unrealistic expectations, many details that no one can really understand without an explanation, that is well, frankly to damn long to even try and go into....yes I know we all have stress at our jobs, but this is more than anyone should have to deal with, especially when you don't enjoy your job and your dream is to be at home with your baby. Back to texting...

So I start with my text stating:
Me: I really hope you can find something (being a different job), I am on the verge of breaking down here. I cant take it any more, I am holding on with a string.
Hubby: I was just thinking that.
Hubby: Family is first and right now its third.
Me: I totally agree. This is not working any more the way it is. I am so stressed out and exhausted, and its ruining things for us and baby.
Hubby: Me to I think we need to make a couple of clear choices about our respective jobs and our lives with them.
Me: You have no idea how much I have wanted to hear those words come from you!

He then proceeded to call me at work, he talked about last night and how he feels like he is loosing me and doesn't even know who I am anymore. He is afraid if we go on like this any longer that its going to end in our relationship falling apart and eventually divorce. I tell him I feel the same way, and I was so desperate to seek relief of everything that last night I was seriously contemplating leaving so I could just get away, and that made me feel like eve a bigger failure then I already feel. That made him sad, and he said leave your job and that stress behind before you leave me and baby. I agreed and apologized for even having those thoughts.

He wanted me to walk out today, he said he was handing me the scissors and I just had to make the cut, and we would deal with whatever consequences followed. I told him he should know me better and that I could never just walk out, I am not a quitter. He said well were on a sinking ship, we either stay and die or jump and possibly die but possibly live. He said something has to change, you can't work full time anymore. He knows how much my heart is breaking everyday when I leave Gwendolyn, and that I have far to many household responsibilities to focus on it all and try and still have something left for 'us'. I said well I can't leave cause I carry the insurance, as my companies benefits are about 1000x better than his, were talking $110 a month for all three of us compared to $380 month for all three of us on his! Big difference! And it isn't just about me any more our life in the now and the future now includes this third little life.

We talked some more about options ec...about me finding something were I could bring the babes with, a nanny job, daycare at our home, or something just much more PT. But we both know before that can happen he needs to find a new job. His job now currently has him working 60-70 hours a week, every week, for the last 2 months. We never see each other and when we do, I can't even find the energy to give him anything of myself. So the plan was to focus on finding him something that a) pays better b) has better hours and finally c) has GOOD insurance coverage. Conversation ended with us talking about it later....

Well, needless to say I was feeling HIGHLY emotional after this conversation and found my self just breaking down and crying right there, at my desk. No biggie I can grab some tissue and move on, oh no! Right then my boss just happens to come see me, obviously she sees something is wrong. Now what do I do? Well I decided to "jump ship" and be TOTALLY honest with her. I pretty much told her everything, and that if something didn't change I would either need to leave said company all together or go to my old/previous position there, which has less demands. We talked for awhile and she asked if cutting back my hours would make a difference...I thought about it, and yeah it probably would! More time w/ baby, more time for house work, less hours there=less time to dwell on stresses of job, more of me to give to my marriage. So she said she would talk to her boss for approval. Well she came back and said that is fine, they both agreed they would much rather have me there for less hours then loose me all together cause I am a huge asset to the department and frankly they kinda like me :) I have a great boss, its nice I can be so honest and I think she feels the same way, she isn't afraid to say that her job sucks.

So its official next week I am down to 32 1/2 hrs a week, M-F, 8:30-3pm. *sigh* I think is going to be really good. I am little worried about the extra money we will be loosing each pay check, but Dakota is 100% supportive of my decision and said not to worry about it, it will work out, he will make sure it does, so lets hope it does, I guess that means budgeting more, cutting back on extras, eliminating a few bills (going to just basic cable), whatever it takes. But honestly my sanity and keeping my family together is allot more important than a few hundred dollars a month. This is the temporary/immediate fix I was looking for, and at least for now it should help. Once hubby finds something new, we can reevaluate the situation and decide whats best for the future. So now I just have my fingers crossed this decision doesn't back fire, and Dakota is able to find something new and better soon!

In the end we will make it work, we love each other, we love our baby, we love our life as a family, and nothing will change that! That is the one definite thing in our life. So here is to a hope full future, filled with laughter, love, hope and togetherness.

Well not to heck of allot I have to say! Which is sometimes a good thing. Hubby is still looking for something new in the world of Jobs, he is being picky, cause it wouldn't make much since to go from crappy employer to crappy employer, something will come along, when the time is right and is meant to be.

My Shmunchkin is already 3 months, it GOES by SO fast, it just blows my mind! She is such a happy baby, I seriously just LOVE watching all her changes and new things she discovers and learns.

There are SO many people pregnant right now, between my work, family, friends, Internet world ec. Its great! But my heart breaks for the friends I have who still haven't gotten the pregnancies they deserve, I think about them everyday and just hope that they will SOON be blessed....

I am really excited for the weekend of June 14th, were going to see my grandma and grandpa in Fargo, and it will be the first time they have met there great-granddaughter, and I am SO SO excited. Unfortunately my other grandma (dad's mom) passed away in December 2007 while I was pregnant and never got to meet Gwendolyn, still to do this day breaks my heart, so I am hoping for some closure and repair during this upcoming weekend.

I am exhausted and little one has her first real cold (Got it from Daddy) and I feel so bad for her, and I feel even worse cause I kept her out to long today I think. It was my mother in laws big moving day, so I was over there for a long time today doing my best to help out and little one did take a 2 hour nap and a couple more 20 minute naps, but I think she got over stimulated, so tomorrow we are just hanging out at home w/ Daddy and having a family day, we ALL deserve that's for sure, hubby is STILL over there moving stuff and doesn't expect to be home until after midnight :(

Well I think that is all for now, so I will use you with some precious chunky monkey pics (courtesy of Trish):